Yes, I’m shallow and hating myself.
It’s nothing like I imagined. He proposed to me at Christmas. I had said yes, without hesitation, before I saw the ring so at the time the ring was not an issue. I’m probably only mentioning this to make myself seem less shallow!
The ring was a cheap silver ring. No stone, just a piece of silver with a yellow stone. I hated it but thankfully it was too big and I couldn’t wear it. He also said, and I quote “it was a placeholder”. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I have never been materialistic. I know, I know, ironic! I don’t buy nice clothes for myself, I hardly spend any money on myself. I really haven’t put much stock in “things”, but I had thought when I got engaged I’d finally have something special that someone bought for me, just thinking of me and nobody else. That has never happened.
He has bought me some nice things before but normally things I’ve asked for the house, our home. He’s not an insensitive guy, he just listens to me rambling on about things I’d like to have for the house and then come Christmas or birthdays they appear. I’ve never been truly surprised I guess.
So when he said placeholder ring my heart lifted. It turns out he meant a placeholder until the wedding ring. It took him 3 days to tell me this.
I had been asking what sort of budget he had in mind for “the ring” (meaning engagement ring) and he said whatever I liked I could have. WHOA! Seriously?
It wasn’t until the 3rd day when I showed him an engagement ring online and he said its not a real wedding ring I realized we were on completely different wavelengths. I asked what did he mean by placeholder ring then and that’s when he said, placeholder until the wedding ring went on.
I was gutted. I am so ashamed to say it but I went to the bathroom and cried for half an hour. This ring was the ring I had to show friends and family when we met. I had no idea how I was going to hide my shame. When I say shame it turns out I was more ashamed of myself for hating the ring than the ring itself.
The most hurtful part was yet to come. When friends finally saw the ring some laughed and said “seriously, show us the real ring”. Cue the tears again. It turns out a friend knew where the ring came from and it cost $150. I checked online myself (an extremely budget store) and it was indeed $150. There is no zero missing there. $150.
I’ve never believed the rubbish spouted by jewelry stores that an engagement ring should cost 3 months salary but he earns more than $80 for 30 minutes work! If we went by the 3 month “rule” very little in Tiffanys and Cartier would be off limits. The ring I really liked cost $1,600. He spent twice that in a whim on a TV last year.
It’s not all about money. I can’t stress that enough. I feel like he hasn’t cared enough about me to ask himself what I would like. He hasn’t cared enough to put any thought into my ring. He hasn’t listened when he pretended to care about the types of rings I was looking at in store windows.
We’ve been together 5 years, we have no children and we’ve discussed getting married so looking at engagement rings was not forcing the issue.
I don’t have a job that pays nearly a quarter of what his does. I have to save for a lot of things. I save from July for his Christmas presents. I put a lot of thought into any gift he gets, whether it’s for Christmas, birthday or just because.
Most things he wants he just goes and buys so not only do I have to save hard but it’s getting harder and harder to find thoughtful gifts for him but I do it and I do it happily because I love him.
I have found myself resenting him more and more because of his thoughtlessness, rather than this being one of the happiest times of my life. I’ve never asked for jewelry, I’ve never had expensive taste even though he can afford it, but I have mentioned in the past how important a nice engagement and wedding ring would be, mainly because I intended for it to last a lifetime and for it to reflect something and for me to be proud of.
He bought this ring in the first store he went to and spent less on it that I did on groceries that week. It’s less than 2 months old and already it’s horribly dull and scratched.
I did mention the ring was not what I expected and he laughed it off saying he was always full of surprises. He said he knows I’m not into jewelry so bought something he knew I’d like. WTF?!? I mentioned the ring again and asked flat out would he be hurt if I upgraded at some point. He said he would be. Where can I go from that?
I’m starting to think, all because of a piece of jewelry, that this is not the man who knows me or cares for me like he should if we are to get married. The irony is if he was to get me something nicer at this stage it would only be because family and friends have forced him to and not because he thought about what I would want.
I don’t know how to get over the ring. I don’t want to wear it. I have even thought of “losing” it. I feel nothing but resentment when I look at it and as our engagement is relatively recent news people are still congratulating me and want to see the ring. I can’t hide my shame and hurt any more than they can hide their pity.
Can you offer any advice on how I can get past this? Lord knows I have tried to remind myself it’s not about the ring, it’s about the marriage but what does it say for our potential marriage when I know my future husband holds me in such low regard he put little to no thought in to the ring I specifically said was quite important to me.