I Really Hate My Engagement Ring
Yes, I’m shallow and hating myself.
It’s nothing like I imagined. He proposed to me at Christmas. I had said yes, without hesitation, before I saw the ring so at the time the ring was not an issue. I’m probably only mentioning this to make myself seem less shallow!
The ring was a cheap silver ring. No stone, just a piece of silver with a yellow stone. I hated it but thankfully it was too big and I couldn’t wear it. He also said, and I quote “it was a placeholder”. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I have never been materialistic. I know, I know, ironic! I don’t buy nice clothes for myself, I hardly spend any money on myself. I really haven’t put much stock in “things”, but I had thought when I got engaged I’d finally have something special that someone bought for me, just thinking of me and nobody else. That has never happened.
He has bought me some nice things before but normally things I’ve asked for the house, our home. He’s not an insensitive guy, he just listens to me rambling on about things I’d like to have for the house and then come Christmas or birthdays they appear. I’ve never been truly surprised I guess.
So when he said placeholder ring my heart lifted. It turns out he meant a placeholder until the wedding ring. It took him 3 days to tell me this.
I had been asking what sort of budget he had in mind for “the ring” (meaning engagement ring) and he said whatever I liked I could have. WHOA! Seriously?
It wasn’t until the 3rd day when I showed him an engagement ring online and he said its not a real wedding ring I realized we were on completely different wavelengths. I asked what did he mean by placeholder ring then and that’s when he said, placeholder until the wedding ring went on.
I was gutted. I am so ashamed to say it but I went to the bathroom and cried for half an hour. This ring was the ring I had to show friends and family when we met. I had no idea how I was going to hide my shame. When I say shame it turns out I was more ashamed of myself for hating the ring than the ring itself.
The most hurtful part was yet to come. When friends finally saw the ring some laughed and said “seriously, show us the real ring”. Cue the tears again. It turns out a friend knew where the ring came from and it cost $150. I checked online myself (an extremely budget store) and it was indeed $150. There is no zero missing there. $150.
I’ve never believed the rubbish spouted by jewelry stores that an engagement ring should cost 3 months salary but he earns more than $80 for 30 minutes work! If we went by the 3 month “rule” very little in Tiffanys and Cartier would be off limits. The ring I really liked cost $1,600. He spent twice that in a whim on a TV last year.
It’s not all about money. I can’t stress that enough. I feel like he hasn’t cared enough about me to ask himself what I would like. He hasn’t cared enough to put any thought into my ring. He hasn’t listened when he pretended to care about the types of rings I was looking at in store windows.
We’ve been together 5 years, we have no children and we’ve discussed getting married so looking at engagement rings was not forcing the issue.
I don’t have a job that pays nearly a quarter of what his does. I have to save for a lot of things. I save from July for his Christmas presents. I put a lot of thought into any gift he gets, whether it’s for Christmas, birthday or just because.
Most things he wants he just goes and buys so not only do I have to save hard but it’s getting harder and harder to find thoughtful gifts for him but I do it and I do it happily because I love him.
I have found myself resenting him more and more because of his thoughtlessness, rather than this being one of the happiest times of my life. I’ve never asked for jewelry, I’ve never had expensive taste even though he can afford it, but I have mentioned in the past how important a nice engagement and wedding ring would be, mainly because I intended for it to last a lifetime and for it to reflect something and for me to be proud of.
He bought this ring in the first store he went to and spent less on it that I did on groceries that week. It’s less than 2 months old and already it’s horribly dull and scratched.
I did mention the ring was not what I expected and he laughed it off saying he was always full of surprises. He said he knows I’m not into jewelry so bought something he knew I’d like. WTF?!? I mentioned the ring again and asked flat out would he be hurt if I upgraded at some point. He said he would be. Where can I go from that?
I’m starting to think, all because of a piece of jewelry, that this is not the man who knows me or cares for me like he should if we are to get married. The irony is if he was to get me something nicer at this stage it would only be because family and friends have forced him to and not because he thought about what I would want.
I don’t know how to get over the ring. I don’t want to wear it. I have even thought of “losing” it. I feel nothing but resentment when I look at it and as our engagement is relatively recent news people are still congratulating me and want to see the ring. I can’t hide my shame and hurt any more than they can hide their pity.
Can you offer any advice on how I can get past this? Lord knows I have tried to remind myself it’s not about the ring, it’s about the marriage but what does it say for our potential marriage when I know my future husband holds me in such low regard he put little to no thought in to the ring I specifically said was quite important to me.
Comments For I Really Hate My Engagement Ring
DISLIKE ENGAGEMENT RING
My Fiancee had a ring, made by his friend. I’d tried a couple of rings on the previous year and he said that he would get this friend to make me one………..it’s not the same, and everytime I put it on, it reminds me that it’s a copy of a ring I really loved. He said he couldn’t afford the ring I wanted but I’d have preferred a haribo ring! It’s not about the money, this one was £2K……I just don’t like it. I take it off as often as I can and put it away. He knows I don’t want it but won’t take it back and says he’ll put it in a cupboard. I love him…..I would just have preferred to have gone out looking for a ring together, it’s spoilt our getting engaged and I won’t wear it on my wedding day so his friend will know as he’s attending.
My fiance showed up with an engagement ring that I knew wasn’t chosen out of thought and consideration. I knew I would be too ashamed to wear it in front of friends. I told him right then and there. He expressed his hurt and frustration at my lack of appreciation. I sat and took it. And then he admitted, no it isn’t very thoughtful. He took it back to the pawn shop. He apologized for buying it at a pawn shop. He is now designing the ring of my dreams with a local artist.
I just told him how I felt. I didn’t take it personal. Men think so much about their golf clubs, their TV’s their cars. I told him, I have to show this ring to everyone. I wasn’t going to wear it. He got it, and now he is feeling the manly pride of having me show off something he has put so much effort into.
Sometimes, they mean well and just need us to stand up and give them a little push in the right direction
Are You Serious?
I am sorry. I believe that as long as he took the time to pick out a ring you would love and not just be super cheap and find the ring in a 30 minute record time than that’s all that matters.
As for me I come from a family where my dad provides a lot for me and I hate to say this but I am a high maintenance girl but I try not to be so much with my boyfriend as he is only 22 and is in school but even with what he has and makes from his current job, he seriously gives me the world. That means everything to me.
I know when I get engaged I want a nice diamond and someone who took the time to pick it out for me, even though I am “high maintenance” if my boyfriend couldn’t afford a nice ring for me I would be perfectly happy just being with him I love him so much!
My birthday is coming up and am getting a promise ring he has worked a straight week and a half getting enough hours so he can buy it for me.. I’m not saying a price but let me tell you a guy who makes a huge salary and buys his lady a cheap ring with no effort honestly isn’t worth it to me unless you have talked about you don’t need money to be happy. Yeah that makes me mad I’m sorry you don’t deserve this! Talk to him tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t care about what you want and feel leave him for one who actually cares.
You Are In It For The Wrong Reason Girl
I think you have little consideration for this man you supposedly love. Love is not based on materialistic items but feelings and how you feel about each other. You should be happy you are marrying the man of your dreams and be happy when you see your ring because it reminds you of the day he finally asked you. What is his financial status like? Maybe this was a big purchase for him or maybe he comes from a family where that kind of money is a lot to spend on a piece off jewelry.
It’s the thought that counts for real and if it bothers you this much and it bothers you about all the nice things he tries to do for you then you need to find another man. I got my small engagement ring on Christmas when we were very young in college working minimum wage jobs my ring was also worth 150 dollars simple platinum/silver with a small diamond the fact he thought about me and the fact we were getting married made up for that.
Today we went wedding band shopping and I got a large wedding band which is really a big engagement ring but I am wearing both together because the first ring meant so much to me sentimentally even though the two rings do not traditionally match its a huge part of our love story that i wouldn’t change for a million dollar ring.
I’m So Glad I Found This Post
Hello ladies. I’m so glad I stumbled across this post. I’ve felt so ungrateful and horrible that I also hated my engagement ring. I’m trying to love it so it doesn’t ruin the special moment.
I’m a very honest person and felt I should tell my fiance. I said it’s a lovely ring but honestly doesn’t suit my hand. It really doesn’t. Only problem is that he bought it 3 months ago and its too late to exchange for another.
The ring wasn’t cheap but looks very very cheap and very basic the band is the thinnest type you can find (i generally wear much thicker bands and never just plain ones) it makes my finger look fat.
The diamond is really tiny which is fine if you like petite jewelry. I told my partner what I wanted and he went and got the absolute opposite. I also feel he got totally ripped off and after researching the diamonds 4 cs you can get the same ring for less than half the price elsewhere.
Which makes me think he didn’t do any research and went and just bought the first thing he saw. I told him around the time this is the kind of ring I REALLY didn’t like. Showed him hundreds of styles I love online and in shops. I have my own rings he could have based my engagement ring on. I was so surprised when he opened the box to see the exact ring I asked him not to buy.
We share finances so also feel let down he wasted so much of our family money on this and then gave it to me past the 30day return mark so I have to keep it. I never realised you could actually feel sad over an engagement and I’m so angry that I do. I’m embarrassed to show people and all my close friends agree this isn’t my style at all.
The ring also was way too small when he got it we got it sized on one my rings I currently wear. People keep telling me to remember it’s not about the ring it’s about the love but we already have the love the house the kids etc.. I just really thought he would have listened to me more.
I feel like he got exactly the ring I hate and was totally oblivious even after months of me showing him my style. And then to see how much of a bad deal he got on the ring is heartbreaking as for the amount of money I could have got a perfect ring.
It’s not about the money I even said to him I’d rather have fake diamonds if I love the ring, I just feel hes wasted so much of our money I could have taken the children on a holiday with. I’m glad I found this post to see I’m not the only one feeling this way. I just don’t know where to go from here. Looks like I’ll have to just suck it up and wear an unflattering ring and feel awkward when people ask to see it
Girl Dump That Boy!
How inconsiderate! Really, your whole story makes me so angry. If he never listens to you, or took the time or the money to get you what you want, then get out while you still can. It will only get worse once you’re married.
Love (& Jewelry) is a Commitment
Seems like a lot of guys don’t realize the importance of giving their partner a beautiful ring that they will be proud to show off (or just how much pressure there is for the woman wearing a ring and how many people will look and comment on it).
The stigma is if she wants one that suits her personal style & knows what she wants that she’s just stuck up & a material person.
It’s tough when you want it to be a surprise, but then also expect that he will know what you want. So probably a good idea to talk about the expectations before hand (although if you’re reading this I assume it may have to be after the fact).
I personally hated my engagement ring as well. It wouldn’t have mattered how much he spent on it the design would still not have been something I liked. BUT to say something to my fiancé (which I did) meant that I was ungrateful or a b*tch.
Why should women have to wear something they hate for what they presume will be the rest of their life? Would he want to do that? No way… if he didn’t like something he just wouldn’t wear it. So why the double standard?
I also think if a man isn’t committed to buying a ring then he isn’t committed to really making you happy if that is what you want. The question also would remain as to why he wouldn’t want every man that sees you to know that you’re taken when they look at your hand.
I have asked several male friends & they all agree that it is very important to a man to have his woman wearing his ring, so just something to consider if there is some reason he doesn’t want to give you one.
I realize it’s a very personal thing for a guy to put their heart into a piece of jewelry, but bottom line… If you can’t talk about a ring how are you going to communicate effectively on other issues that come up later on?
It’s Never About the Ring
My husband is a geek. He wore white socks with everything until I hid them, he watches physics lectures for fun and he collects board games.
Needless to say the man has no idea what he is doing when it comes to jewelry. When we got engaged he was still in grad school and picked out a little half carat on a terrible setting, it is not my favorite ring. But after he proposed and I accepted he sat there and proudly told me all about the cut and clarity and color of my diamond the way a little boy would show off a lizard he had found.
As he explained I knew he had spent the same time, dedication and research on my ring as he does everything in his life. Is my ring as expensive as my peers? No. Is it what I would have picked for myself? No. But I know without having a shadow of a doubt that it came fully from his heart and I have never once told him anything other than I love it because I do.
If you know your man you will know how to tell when he cares about something and even if he gave you the ugliest thing on the planet, if you knew it had come from his heart you would still be thrilled. Your reaction is not about the ring, it really is about seeing that he doesn’t seem to care, and if he can’t bring himself to care about the way he asks you to share a life together, what reason do you have to believe he will care about you when things get hard because trust me, they will, both life and marriage are hard.
Embarrassing No Ring
I understand your pain …
My situation was … He proposed to me with NO RING. The next day entertained me by taking me to a custom jewellery store to choose the ring and design . And then he never followed up and bought one. Despite me raising the issue since. Embarrassing for many reasons : it’s been 4 months and all my friends and family ask where my ring is. Secondly he promised me one and did not follow through. Again, he is in a substantially well paid job and so money is no object. He says now that a ring is meaningless and has sort of made a decision for me that I will not have one. It’s not even the quality of the ring : but my family are traditional and secondly he has broken a promise he made to me.
You Deserve Better Girl!
You should return the ring. why wear something that you don’t like for the rest of your life? he should have taken one of your friends or family members shopping (and out to lunch) with him to get an idea of what you like!
He wanted you to ‘earn’ and ‘deserve’ a better diamond/ring? Sounds like he hasn’t earned or deserved you! Good for you for deciding to focus on yourself and your children. It’s easier said than done but don’t let some narcissist determine your self worth. Keep your head up and you will find a man to treat you like his queen!
I Completely Understand
I understand exactly how you feel. Although my husband never did propose to me (ours is an arranged marriage) despite my telling him I wanted a proposal. We were engaged shortly after we met, but there was enough time to show him pictures of what I wanted as an engagement ring and tell him exactly how many carats and what style. Simple you’d think?
But he went ahead and bought me something I didn’t like. I feel horrible because we’ve been married 2 years but every time a friend gets engaged and vets what she likes I’m reminded of the fact that my husband was too cheap to buy me what I like. Not because he couldn’t afford it. But because he didn’t think it was important enough to make me happy. I’ve asked for an upgrade but when he didn’t spend the money the first time I don’t think he’ll do it the second time around.
Love Hurts :(
Almost 2 years ago, he presented me with a diamond he got from a pawn shop.
I found out he paid about $600 for it, which was not the issue because I am not an overly-materialistic person. The diamond was set inside a pendant and he told me that we can “build” a ring.
I almost cried when I saw it and not for a good reason. It was a half-carat (not a problem either because I have small hands and fingers and do not like big/gaudy things). I could see right away that he got ripped off because the quality of the diamond was poor.
It had a big brown spot the color of poo(sorry for the word) across the top. I could barely see the diamond and it had no sparkle to it, nothing good about it at all! It looked evil, like a snake eye. I did not want to and did not wear it. What really hurt was that he made a “mockery” of a proposal and ruined what could have been a good moment.
I gave him the diamond back and told him exactly how I felt. I hoped that over time I could do what he told me and prove that I could “earn” and “deserve” a good diamond ring. All I wanted was a plain solitaire (under $2000) and he works for the government, so I know he could have afforded it. I also know that his house has been paid off for years and he gambles and drinks more than the ring I wanted costs.
I was hoping for that “magical” moment that a man could show me how special I am and how much he loves me. I have been married twice already and have never been proposed to. I do not believe that it will ever happen despite my being attractive, educated, and financially independent. I am a hard-working career woman, but I can’t find love. :(
I tried to make my relationship work with this man because I feel so worthless and I did not want to be alone. Now, I have decided to try to take what is left of my self-esteem and put it toward raising my children and continuing to build my career(teaching). My kids never liked this man so it is obvious that he is not a good fit for my family.