Still an Issue...My Engagement Ring

Dear Engagement Experts,

Sorry in advance for the long message. I've just tried and tried to stop thinking about this but I can't seem to. I wrote to you a little while ago (I'm Unsure About Engagement Ring!) and your advice really helped. However, I still don't feel 100% happy and can't seem to 'snap out of it'.

It might sound silly and petty to some people but for me it's a situation that I can't seem to resolve or feel differently about. I was really worried about sounding ungrateful and your kind words showed me that I'm not. Thank you, but I still feel awful about this and don't know what to do, so I thought I should contact you again and (hopefully!) get some more advice.

Having to do this again makes me feel like a terrible person but I figured there's no other person to ask than Enagagement Experts!

As I said before I'm not 100% happy with my Engagement ring. Yes, it's just a piece of jewellery to some people and I might sound like I'm being so ridiculous. Some people might say 'what's the problem?' I've thought that a million times. My fiance proposed with a costume ring that I shall always see as my real engagement ring, but it isn't suitable to wear every single day!

I've been with my fiance for over 6 years so we know each other inside and out. I've always known that we were meant to be together (we are childhood sweethearts) and I've always dreamed about getting engaged to him as he's the man of my dreams.

However, finding the perfect ring proved to be really difficult and the ring that we ended up choosing I've never felt 100% happy with. Even when we were in the shop he asked me 'are you really sure about it?'

One of my faults is that I'm REALLY fussy, and I knew it would be difficult finding something I loved, but I never expected it to be so hard. As I said, I was and I wasn't sure but for some reason I went for it as it was the only one I'd seen that was within our budget and the style I liked. It wasn't perfect but I went with it. We also had a very disappointing experience with the jewellers we bought it from and I suppose the magical experience it should've been has been somewhat tainted by that situation and I shall always remember it.

As a result we would never go back to that jewellers again. I don't know what it is but I've never felt like it's been a part of me and I've never felt totally happy with it. This is the piece of jewellery I shall wear for the rest of my life, apart from my wedding band, and something inside me just doesn't feel right. I'm not in love with my engagement ring basically and I think that's what's upsetting me. It's been 4 months since we got engaged and I still don't feel much different than I did in the first place.

I've been hit with a situation and I don't know what to do.

Here's my problem... When we first got engaged my mum suggested I have her engagement ring. It was my great grandmother's. Vintage, 3 round cut diamonds set in gold. I've always liked it but have always seen it as 'hers' and didn't know if I'd feel right taking it from her. Plus my favourite metal is white and it's set in gold, and I never wear gold for some reason. I also had the idea of a solitaire, so 3 diamonds weren't really what I was looking for. I also wasn't looking for anything vintage at the time, I wanted something new and the diamonds also need setting into a new band and gallery as it's so old and the band is buckled.

It was only a suggestion, but I think it's always exciting for a girl to go and choose a ring for herself, I got swept away in all the excitement, and my mum was happy with my decision, as was my fiance. I've never thought any more of it. Until this week.

I looked in my mum's jewellery box and saw it. I took it out and slipped it onto my finger...and have fallen in love with it. I don't know how I didn't see it before, but it looks and feels perfect. It's beautiful. I know now that I rushed into finding my engagement ring. I can't turn the clock back, but now I'm in a situation where the ring that feels like my perfect ring isn't actually the one that is on my finger.

Now I hate myself for feeling like this and don't know what to do! Writing this is just horrible and I get upset thinking about it, but for me it's a big thing. My fiance knows that I'm not 100% happy with my ring (the band is very thin and it feels a little loose). He has said that we shall have to look into having the band thickened, but I haven't said any more as I don't want to upset him. I think he would understand about the situation and I feel I could speak to him about it, but how and what would I say?

I'm worried about what people would think if they found out I felt like this, and how much extra expense it would cost to have my mum's ring re made for me. I would be happy to pay for it myself (although I'm sure my fiance would be annoyed about that!) My ring has a single solitaire diamond and a very thin band. I would definitely want my ring to have a thicker band anyway in the future, against a wedding band it would look odd.

It's things like this that you don't think of before when you're buying but see afterwards. I think if I spoke to my mum she would understand and she would also advise me.

So, what should I do? Am I being ridiculous and irrational? Please, please, please advise me as I feel so silly but I'm just not going to feel differently I don't think. I'm not in anyway an ungrateful person, but this isn't how you're supposed to feel about your engagement ring, is it? Thank you so much.

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Engagement Ring Lessons
by: The EE Team

One thing that we see very often with engagements and weddings and all that surrounds them (and have also experienced) is uncertainty and disappointment--because reality never quite matches up with what we have dreamed about all our lives.

Engagement rings, weddings, honeymoons and marriages are things we look forward to and think about for so long that once we get there we can't help but feel a little disappointed and unsure because it can almost never match up to the fantasy or what we thought it would be. Be careful navigating the rest of your nuptials.

We all need to be "present" in the moment and in our reality and appreciate everything for what it is and forget about what we thought it was supposed to be.

Don't let your dreams for your wedding or marriage cloud what is really important about your relationship and future together.

Don't let small problems interfere with your enjoyment and appreciation of things (e.g. don't give that jeweler the power to taint your engagement ring for the rest of your life).

It is your choice whether you want to focus on his actions or acknowledge to yourself that you are displeased with how he handled something and choose to then forget about it.

You are on a journey so enjoy it--all of it--the great, the good, the not so good, and even the bad!

Thank You
by: Anonymous

I really appreciate your comment, thank you. I know it is a difficult situation! I understand that there are many lessons to be learned in life, from what you've read about my story is there anything you can tell me about what you observed and think I can learn and take away from this experience (apart from the obvious!) I think hearing this feedback would help me. Many thanks once again, I really appreciate your help. Kindest regards.

Thank You
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your advice. It's a difficult situation but I think I need to have a think and possibly explain how I'm feeling to my fiance. Once again thank you, I shall let you know how things work out.

An Engagement Ring is a Funny Thing
by: The Engagement Experts Team

You have obviously thought a lot about your engagement ring and have taken a lot of time (both times) to organize your thoughts and feelings and write to us.

We offered some advice regarding your uncertainty over your engagement ring that we hoped would provide you with a fresh perspective on things, (which we think it did) but is still not working for you completely.

Only you know what you're truly feeling in your heart and why you are feeling that way.

There is an expression "when we know better, we do better", perhaps this engagement ring episode is all about learning some lessons. Lessons for life, relationships, your 'dream' wedding, and your marriage.

Just from you wrote to us we can see how many lessons there are to be learned and maybe this engagement ring issue is in fact the best thing that could have happened.

So learn all the lessons and if you're sure that your engagement ring is still an issue for you then come clean with your fiance and tell him the whole truth.

Then, tackle the problem as a couple always being sensitive to each others feelings. Come up with a solution together on how to resolve things, what (if anything) to do with your great-grandmother's ring, what (if anything) to do with your present ring etc.

Just discussing it and figuring things out with him will open up a whole new set of possibilities that you're unable to see right now having to deal with this on your own.

We wish you all the luck in the world and please let us know how it all works out.

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