I Really Hate My Engagement Ring

Yes, I'm shallow and hating myself.

It's nothing like I imagined. He proposed to me at Christmas. I had said yes, without hesitation, before I saw the ring so at the time the ring was not an issue. I'm probably only mentioning this to make myself seem less shallow!

The ring was a cheap silver ring. No stone, just a piece of silver with a yellow stone. I hated it but thankfully it was too big and I couldn't wear it. He also said, and I quote "it was a placeholder". I breathed a sigh of relief.

I have never been materialistic. I know, I know, ironic! I don't buy nice clothes for myself, I hardly spend any money on myself. I really haven't put much stock in "things", but I had thought when I got engaged I'd finally have something special that someone bought for me, just thinking of me and nobody else. That has never happened.

He has bought me some nice things before but normally things I've asked for the house, our home. He's not an insensitive guy, he just listens to me rambling on about things I'd like to have for the house and then come Christmas or birthdays they appear. I've never been truly surprised I guess.

So when he said placeholder ring my heart lifted. It turns out he meant a placeholder until the wedding ring. It took him 3 days to tell me this.

I had been asking what sort of budget he had in mind for "the ring" (meaning engagement ring) and he said whatever I liked I could have. WHOA! Seriously?

It wasn't until the 3rd day when I showed him an engagement ring online and he said its not a real wedding ring I realized we were on completely different wavelengths. I asked what did he mean by placeholder ring then and that's when he said, placeholder until the wedding ring went on.

I was gutted. I am so ashamed to say it but I went to the bathroom and cried for half an hour. This ring was the ring I had to show friends and family when we met. I had no idea how I was going to hide my shame. When I say shame it turns out I was more ashamed of myself for hating the ring than the ring itself.

The most hurtful part was yet to come. When friends finally saw the ring some laughed and said "seriously, show us the real ring". Cue the tears again. It turns out a friend knew where the ring came from and it cost $150. I checked online myself (an extremely budget store) and it was indeed $150. There is no zero missing there. $150.

I've never believed the rubbish spouted by jewelry stores that an engagement ring should cost 3 months salary but he earns more than $80 for 30 minutes work! If we went by the 3 month "rule" very little in Tiffanys and Cartier would be off limits. The ring I really liked cost $1,600. He spent twice that in a whim on a TV last year.

It's not all about money. I can't stress that enough. I feel like he hasn't cared enough about me to ask himself what I would like. He hasn't cared enough to put any thought into my ring. He hasn't listened when he pretended to care about the types of rings I was looking at in store windows.

We've been together 5 years, we have no children and we've discussed getting married so looking at engagement rings was not forcing the issue.

I don't have a job that pays nearly a quarter of what his does. I have to save for a lot of things. I save from July for his Christmas presents. I put a lot of thought into any gift he gets, whether it's for Christmas, birthday or just because.

Most things he wants he just goes and buys so not only do I have to save hard but it's getting harder and harder to find thoughtful gifts for him but I do it and I do it happily because I love him.

I have found myself resenting him more and more because of his thoughtlessness, rather than this being one of the happiest times of my life. I've never asked for jewelry, I've never had expensive taste even though he can afford it, but I have mentioned in the past how important a nice engagement and wedding ring would be, mainly because I intended for it to last a lifetime and for it to reflect something and for me to be proud of.

He bought this ring in the first store he went to and spent less on it that I did on groceries that week. It's less than 2 months old and already it's horribly dull and scratched.

I did mention the ring was not what I expected and he laughed it off saying he was always full of surprises. He said he knows I'm not into jewelry so bought something he knew I'd like. WTF?!? I mentioned the ring again and asked flat out would he be hurt if I upgraded at some point. He said he would be. Where can I go from that?

I'm starting to think, all because of a piece of jewelry, that this is not the man who knows me or cares for me like he should if we are to get married. The irony is if he was to get me something nicer at this stage it would only be because family and friends have forced him to and not because he thought about what I would want.

I don't know how to get over the ring. I don't want to wear it. I have even thought of "losing" it. I feel nothing but resentment when I look at it and as our engagement is relatively recent news people are still congratulating me and want to see the ring. I can't hide my shame and hurt any more than they can hide their pity.

Can you offer any advice on how I can get past this? Lord knows I have tried to remind myself it's not about the ring, it's about the marriage but what does it say for our potential marriage when I know my future husband holds me in such low regard he put little to no thought in to the ring I specifically said was quite important to me.

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It's the thought that counts, and you are right to be upset.
by: The Engagement Experts Team

A wise reader sent in a wonderful well thought-out comment on what's really important and what lies behind the hurt so many feel when they find themselves disappointed with their engagement ring.

Here's an excerpt... "It seems like you are not concerned with how much he spent on the ring so much as the fact that he didn't seem to put much effort into selecting it. You have a right to be upset, because a gift, whether it's an engagement ring or otherwise, is supposed to come from the heart."

Read what she had to say about what's truly important when it comes to buying and/or receiving an engagement ring.

It's not about the money or the ring but I cried for 3 hours because I didn't like the ring
by: Anonymous

I really didn't want to seem rude or selfish but I really don't like the ring my fiance proposed with. I love him with all my heart and I know that money and the ring don't represent the love we have for each other but I thought about how I have to wear this ring for the rest of my life! And I hate it !!

I nearly died when I saw it, the proposal went all wrong, the waiter who was serving our table came over and said congratulations on your proposal. I just looked up at him and then looked at my boyfriend. His face dropped like he wanted to hit the guy and I was shattered but also excited at the same time.

My boyfriend practically threw the ring down on the table and after a few seconds picked it back up and said "will you marry me". It was all wrong!

Even I wanted to hit the guy in the face--my dream moment since I was a little girl had just been ruined by some idiot waiter! I was completely broken inside but I went on as all was great. I was still very happy then we got home I told the family etc and I stopped and looked at the ring for about 30 seconds and saw that I hated it .. What am I going to do? I am completely in love with my partner and I don't want to hurt his feelings but he seriously has broken my heart!

I have to live with this and wear it and see it every day--I don't know how much it costs and the price doesn't matter to me but he had brought me rings before just to wear and I wish one of those had been my engagement ring--they were all diamonds !!! But this one was plain .. Boring ..

It was just plain silver with NO diamonds at all just a little "to hold and love" engraved on the outside in tiny letters .. The "e" in love can't even be seen properly. I am so upset I just can't say anything because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I need advice !

You're right to be upset
by: Poppy

Your fiance obviously didn't put much thought into your ring. A proposal is about asking your permission to marry, and the ring not only represents your acceptance but it also shows how much your partner knows about your own personal style and taste. By giving you this "placeholder until the wedding" he has not only shown that he doesn't pay attention to your opinions, but he also assumes his ring is good enough to get you to marry him. I believe your fiance firmly believes you'll just have to like this ring, while he can buy anything that suites him perfectly.

$150, and an ugly ring at that. If it were $150 and suited your tastes, the price would be irrelevant. The fact that it's cheap *and* ugly is an insult.

Not to mention your resentment toward his spending habits foreshadows your future marriage. You put time, effort, and love into your gifts. You save up for them. He returns this with a cheap ugly ring you have to wear forever. He will keep returning cheap, ugly things to you while graciously accepting your gifts. He sounds selfish, and I don't even know him as you do.

I have received my fair share of bad jewelry, from a bad person. He tricked me with one nice necklace, broke it, and blamed me for it. I would save every penny to buy him a gift, and in return I got a dog chain for Christmas. A dog chain. To remind me I was a b***h who did not deserve to have money spent on. This abusive jerk thought I would spend my life with him. To hell with that. Talk to your fiance. Tell him how you hate the ring and resent his selfish spending. If he doesn't understand, leave. Just leave and find someone more deserving.


Get a Beautiful Wedding Band
by: Anonymous

I saw this post and it almost broke my heart, as did the comments that you should just be grateful he bought you anything. It sounds like you do love him, and that he truly buys himself anything but is having a hard time wrapping his mind around jewelry. Your fiance might be very sensitive about the subject, especially if he put a lot of thought into the ring. Did you ask what inspired him to go with the ring he chose for you? Maybe help get his wheels turning over the meaning behind the ring for you.

That being said, I would opt for a gorgeous wedding band with whatever I wanted on it. You could easily do a beautiful eternity band with the stone shape of your choice, a five stone diamond ring, or choose at that point to go to a more traditional engagement ring to serve as both.

If he questions why, you can tell him that sterling silver isn't really meant for everyday wear- it scratches quite easily- and that you're happiest wearing your wedding band instead. I certainly wouldn't let this sway you from marrying him, but I would gently question why he chose this ring, what he sees as the symbolism, etc. Maybe he just didn't understand it was very important to you. Or maybe getting engaged isn't a big deal to him but marriage is, so his plan was to get you a truly stunning wedding ring. I wasn't sure about the placeholder comment.

After rereading your post, it might also be because you don't "require" nice things- you said you don't buy clothes, he has never purchased jewelry for you- he may have thought that it wasn't a big deal to you. Please express that to him. But if you truly want it to work between you, make sure that you choose your words carefully, and make it about you two- not your HORRIBLE FRIENDS who have seriously made negative comments about your ring. That is who I would think twice about. Good luck!

I totally understand you..
by: Anonymous

Been married for five years now and never had an engagement ring. My husband just gave me an eternity ring.

I envied some of my friends for having huge and shiny rings and having weddings of their dreams, because my husband and I just got married in civil, because we didn't have enough money because we just graduated college. After all these years my friends who got nice engagement rings and had their dream weddings are the ones being cheated on by their husbands. I don't know if it's just coincidence.

I realize now, that I will be thankful for not having the ring I wanted and extravagant wedding. Just having someone I know who will be there for me forever is enough and better than having expensive diamonds. Marriage and commitment is not based on the material things like a ring. The person you are going to marry is the gem you will keep forever.

But if you feel like you don't deserve the ring you got, it's better to tell him how you feel, besides, a good relationship is about being honest with each other. Tell him, I'm sure he'll understand because he loves you.

I understand completely
by: Anonymous

I have much sympathy for your situation. I understand how you feel about a terrible ring, not because it didn't cost a lot, but because it cost next to nothing and seems to have been picked out with less thought than a new belt or shoes for himself would have been.

I am even worse though. My fiance actually went to the trouble of getting my mother in on the action in selecting my ring, so essentially, she chose it. She and I have very different tastes. She presumably tried to keep that in mind when looking but, well, it's not her taste anyway. lol.

So, I get the proposal at my birthday party, there is almost no real proposal, but he does get on his knee in front of my family. I understand that this was meant to be respectful and inclusive for my mother, but it was in no way romantic. If he had tried harder with the proposal I wouldn't be as annoyed with the ring I will wear forever (or until it wears through the band).

My ring is cheap, only $300 or so, but that I am ok with. I am not a jewelry person and I prefer simplicity. A plain white gold band with a tiny stone (actual diamond) literally 1/8kt would have been just fine, same cost probably.

What I got was indeed white gold, but it has 4 tiny, square, clear glass/diamonette/cubic zirconia type stones set next to each other in the center, to look like a larger stone. There are 12 teensy "stones" of probably the same material set in 2 rows of 6 on either side of the center setting. Each of these however looks yellow, from what I guess is probably the glue used to hold them in. They look like I could flick them out with a needle. My favorite part of the ring is that when you look closely at the stones you can see the cut marks across the tops, even on the teensy ones.

So I understand completely how it feels to have a ring you are embarrassed to show family and friends. It makes you feel like they are going to reevaluate your relationship, to think poorly of him, and that reflects on you as in "Poor girl, her fiance is nuts, homeless or just a jerk."

And it isn't about what others think of the ring or him or you, but how that makes you feel AND the simple fact that it could all have been avoided if a tiny more thought was put into it. It isn't that you want huge, showy bling, but you want to be able to say that your ring is better than the one your teenage niece's 18 year old grocery-bagger boyfriend just gave her...

I wish I could offer advice in dealing with the issue, but other than confronting him about the issue with a completely impartial mediator to keep things in perspective, I'm bot sure what else I can say...

Hate is a strong word
by: Anonymous

Hating your ring is really about disappointment. So forget about the ring and work on why you're disappointed and how that will play into your relationship in the long run.

Rambling
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear that! My opinion... he is so wrong! My husband picked out our rings (gorgeous by the way). We got married without them because they were on layaway. Shortly after he was tired of me not having my ring because they were in layaway so he put his back on order to get mine out sooner. He surprised me on xmas with it. I adore my 1ct ring that he put so much thought and effort into. My one year anniversary is two months away. I just put his on layaway again.

Moral of the story sweetie if he can afford it and he does not get you something nicer he is dead wrong! My husband spent 6 months to pay off my ring. It is stunning by the way and I get complements from ladies with way more ct on their hand...

I'm sorry
by: Elma

This must be really tough for you considering that this man is the one you will be spending your life with! I completely understand how you feel, although my fiance did not get me one I hated, I always thought to myself that "He better get me one I like". It not only shows that he cares about you, but the fact that he only spent so little when he can afford a lot more just shows a lot to me, personally.

I hope you got a replacement ring, or an apology at the least.

Let us know!

Fresh Start
by: Anonymous

My husband and I married young and all we could afford was the 3 ring bundle from kays. I HATED my rings. Then one day he bought me a beautiful $3000 bridal set. It was just what I wanted.

Maybe he is just messing with you. I think he has something up his sleeve. Do you honestly think that after everything you both have looked at he thinks you cant get better than a $150 ring. Brace yourself for what he really has for you. I bet its to die for.

Looking back at ugly ring...
by: Anonymous

30 years ago the worst ring ever was offered to me.

He told me he changed the the diamond from .2 to.25 carat! Wow! He would not offer me any thing to eat or drink at his house if I was there for 4 or 5 hours. He had custom clothing and expensive hand-made leather shoes and everyone knew it! I was to be his next acquisition.

I went to graduate school, mailed him the ring back, and became a doctor. Looking back he bought a boat and a new car thinking that would impress me, I told him that was what he wanted not me. He told me I could quit school and be done with this dream.

Good riddance to him. He wrote me a letter 6 years later asking if I was still available and did I have my license and DEA number. Wow! No response from me!

I have surpassed my dreams, married someone who shopped with me for the first engagement ring and upgraded at 20 years to the best ever and kept the first as he said he never wanted to forget our special beginning.

As for the ex he has since married and divorced a girl from Russia that he met online! At least she got her citizenship and got rid of him. Thanks to Facebook he still buys himself expensive toys and is single, no children, no pets, and sad looking!

I feel for you, sister
by: Anonymous

I'm in the exact same boat as you. I HATE HATE HATE my engagement ring but what I hate more is the fact that he didn't listen.

We browsed numerous jewelers for months before he proposed to me, so he knew exactly what I wanted. I had ONE style in mind from the beginning of time, never once did I change my mind. So please explain to me why he went and bought my ring from a store which we've looked at prior to the proposal but I did not like a single piece from there!

I don't understand what was going through his head when he paid $2,800 for it! Why would you spend that much on a ring that does not fit your girlfriend's style? He knows how materialistic I am, and damn right I'm shallow, I'll openly admit it!

Looks mean everything to me! And the engagement ring is especially important because I'm gonna have to wear it for the rest of my life. It's not like I asked for much anyway.

The ring that I wanted was the same exact carat size as mine AND it was even cheaper! So why he didn't buy that one completely blows my mind!!

Now he's telling me that when I graduate from law school, I can buy my dream ring myself. Um I don't think so, because it won't have the same meaning as an engagement ring now, will it? I'm just pissed because no effort was put into my stupid engagement ring. None. He didn't even save up for it, he made payments. IT IS ONLY $2,800, PEOPLE!! This man makes 3x that a month! Like that really shows me how much he cares.

Okay rant over, I'm done. I just wanted to get that off my chest since I've been keeping it to myself for the past 7 months.

Love is never what you expect
by: Anonymous

I was told some very good advice once, if I ever wanted anything from a man, I would have to ask for it. Hint's apparently, just would not do.
What I didn't know however, was that even when you ask for something very specific, you still don't get it!

Find the ring you want, tell him to buy it for you. Give him back the other one. Let him read your post.

Either he doesn't want to marry you and he'll use it as an excuse to be mad at you and end things.
If he does love you, he'll get over himself, buy you the ring you want, and earrings to match.
Ask for these too.

There is absolutely no way that his disappointment that you wouldn't like a $150 engagement ring would even compare in the slightest way to the disappointment that basically any women in the world would feel when someone trashes something that's supposed to be so important.

So he'll feel badly that you don't want to wear a $150 engagement ring. GOOD!

He should feel bad, he should feel very, very, bad. He has not earned the right for you to protect his feelings in this issue.

You have to try everything you can in life to get what you want, because if you won't demand things that are important to you, you won't get them.

It's not shallow to want to wear something pretty and valuable everyday, it's called having self respect.

Absolutely ridiculous.
by: Anonymous

Wow, sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds like a goof. $80 for 30 mins of work? He must have have only been "book smart" with good education to get a well paying job, but lacks any sort of "street smart". One would think it's common sense that an engagement ring usually means a "diamond" is involved.

I only make 40k a year, and I felt guilty for making my wonderful gf (of 6 years) wait so long, so I ended up getting her a $5000 ring.

Your man is ridiculous.

Walk away....fast.
by: Anonymous

He's not the one for you. It will only get worse. You are worth more...worth having a man who has a clue and a sense of respect for you. This is NOT just about the ring. The ring and his comments will be your future. Don't do it. Put your chin up and walk the other way.

The ring is important
by: No regrets

The ring is offered as a mans promise to marry a woman and is considered an informal contract between them. When she wears his ring she is agreeing to be his and be true to him alone. The ring signifies that she is off the market to other potential suitors and it has it's place.

Every culture that offers a ring like this understands that the ring is not only valuable due to its intrinsic value but also what it represents for that man and that woman.

At my job I have seen a lot of widows. They will continue to wear their engagement/betrothal/wedding rings long after the husband has passed away. They will hold their ring close to their heart and sometimes the accidental mention of his name will evoke tears and they clutch down and touch their wedding finger.

A ring is very important to most women. Not all. You will get the odd woman who calls the rest of us materialistic bitches and so forth just because we want a half decent ring so when we look down at our finger every day we can reflect on how galant our man is. But the truth is that a ring is to a woman what a nice car is to a man. Sure there are guys that don't mind driving $200 Dollar jalopies, but that is not the norm. Sure there are woman happy to wear a cigar band ring but that is not the norm. It's not purely about price. It's the effort and thought behind it. It is completely natural,for a woman to want to feel protected and secure with a man and the ring will trigger at least on a sub conscience level what she can expect in the future from that man. I think wanting to show off your engagement ring and the pride that a woman feels when she is given a Special ring to symbolise his commitment to her is very natural. .


TV Vs. Ring
by: Bonnie

So, according to this, your fiance makes $160/hour. He bought you a ring that costs $150. (Less than 1 hours work.) You liked a ring that cost $1,600. He spent $3,200 on on "a whim on a TV last year." If he cares more about the TV than he does the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with, then things need to change. ;-) In all seriousness, he should listen to your concerns about the ring if you feel like it's not a fit for you. Laughing it off saying oh "I'm always full of surprises" is beyond insensitive. It's a terrible way to start of a life-long *partnership*.

He doesn't really want to marry you
by: Edward

I am very ashamed to say this, but...... I have done this once before. I had a girlfriend I dated for years, She kept saying she wanted me to "put a ring on it". So after a year of this I went out and bought a $500 Dollar P.O.S ring (at least it wasn't $150 right?) I told her it was a place keeper until I could afford a better ring in the future. The reality was I went to the jewelry store knowing I could have spent about 3k on the ring and not devastate the bank all that much. Instead I bought a new TV that cost three times more just the next week.

After doing this I had to ask myself some very serious questions on what the relationship meant to me. Shortly there after we broke up.

It isn't he doesn't know it's bad or he just thinks you don't care. It's that he doesn't care enough about you to want to keep you from the humiliation that you have to endure wearing that crackerjack prize on your finger. At least that was the case for me.

As said on Sex and the City...
by: Anonymous

Wrong ring, wrong guy!

A practical perspective
by: Stephanie

I can honestly tell by just reading your entry/page here that you put a lot of careful thought into what you've written. So - I really don't think you should listen to half the people on here that seem like they are accepting of very bad situations (let alone rings) and they tell you you should appreciate what you have because THEY have it worse. A bunch of women here are just comparing you to themselves, instead of actually offering advice.

So here's a practical approach: You need to be honest. Take what YOU have written here - Your own page - and print it out. Take it to your man, and tell him you'd like to have a mutually beneficial "sit down." NOT A FIGHT. Tell him you want to tell him how you feel, openly, without a "right away" knee-jerk response. You want to have a productive exchange about something that's been bothering you, and you want to come to a mutually beneficial agreement. Then: GIVE HIM THE PAPER. Leave. Let him figure it out. Then get back with him and talk it out, with a goal of a positive solution that doesn't leave you feeling the way you feel now.

If he doesn't react in a way that makes you feel better? Then REALLY ask your gut: Do I want to feel like this for the rest of my life? Because you very well could. Not over a ring, but over the fact that you chose to spend your life with someone who is more interested in his own desires than with a mutually beneficial relationship. Relationships are supposed to be mutually rewarding. They are there to enrich your life. If it's not doing that for you, why would you want it? He might act like this toward everything after he knows you've married him.

I Understand...
by: Anonymous

Hi - my husband also didn't technically propose in the traditional sense. We had been together 8 years and I was hesitant. But he said - shouldn't we get married? And I laughed, it was cute....but we decided to put our money towards the house. And I found a pretty anniversary band that was $1,000.00 wide band which I love, and I picked it out, who cares??

I love it, and now a few years later, I am upgrading...my husband is sick and he said, do it- get whatever you want, because he is not able to work and is very, very sick.

So guess what? Most of the money is mine (right now) - but I don't care, it's ours because we are married. And I am picking out my upgrade, because I want what I want......my moral of my long story is.....

There is no such thing as "tradition", only the tradition you make with the person you love......period.

Ladies, if you want an upgrade, I don't think that is selfish at all!!! My husband wanted a new chair (a pricey massage chair that looks like a spaceship), so he got that, I get my ring. End of story - everyone is happy. :)

There is Worse.... Me
by: Monica

At least y'all got a ring, and weddings. :( he took me to look at rings... Beautiful rings. I was so excited, eating the day. Then I got pregnant. :( He never proposed, he never got me a ring--I knew he wanted to get married, ESP with baby on way.

I waited and waited for my proposal and ring. Two days before our daughter was to be born he took me to the court house and gave me this simple plain wedding band. The one I got him is beautiful.... And we got hitched :(.

Upgrade Please
by: Anonymous

Well, I got my ring 22 years ago. It is a single small maybe 1/4 carat diamond with a thin gold band. (I had asked for a wide band) Going forward 22 years....now I just found a ring I would love almost $4,000 but we can afford it since we both have good jobs.

He wanted to get me a ring I've always wanted because he said the jewelers screwed up what he told them I wanted 22 years ago! Sorry I'm all over the place but I was totally disappointed tonight, again...

He flipped out when I told him how much the ring is that I want. I have put up with this little ring that isn't my style at all for many many years and now for him to pull this!

He said "well I haven't even gotten the TV I've wanted or my 500 dollar gun I've been wanting" can you even believe it?

I'm so disappointed and hurt. It isn't the price it's what I would love to wear at this point in my life and waiting all these years to upgrade...Now I resent him!

Don't Fret
by: Anonymous

An engagement ring is a physical and material representation of your love, dedication and commitment to each other. And you have to wear it everyday for the rest of your life. You should love it.

Shame on anyone making you feel bad or shallow. Cost isn't an issue it's taste. I was engaged once before and had a $50,000 ring that I hated. I would have rather he spent $200 on something I loved!

What is important is to keep perspective. If it's really that much of a problem communicate that to him. Tell him that you'd like to find something that's more your style or even ask why he picked it. It might not be the traditional approach but he didn't seem to take the traditional approach either.

Good luck.

LOL at the woman commenting on shallow bitches
by: Anonymous

...and proceeding to brag about your 3500$ e-ring! Please. It's probably a CZ, hahaha!

p.s.
by: tracey

By the way when a guy buys you a cheap engagement ring it means one thing,he just wants to keep you around cause hes not sure its going to work out,(cheap ring-no loss to him)when a guy buys a traditional engagement ring(he knows your the one!)don't settle for second best honey like some women do hoping it's going to get better,remember he could always lay-bye, pfft! He's a loser!!!

Hm.
by: Anonymous

To be honest, I'm worried he spent so much more money on a television on a whim than on your ring... Not because of the price involved, but the forethought given. If he thinks on the spur of a moment that a television for himself is more important than a gift for you, it doesn't bode well.

I understand how important an engagement ring can be, it's not just a piece of metal and carbon, it's a symbol of promise and enduring love. It's okay to feel upset if that symbol doesn't represent your worth. It's not materialistic.

When my fiancee proposed I was overjoyed, he'd spent months planning and paying attention to everything I liked, he'd even pull me towards jewellery stores to figure out what I liked.

And when he presented my ring... I hated it. But he got 65% of the detail right, so I can't complain. :P

But it's what happened afterwards that makes me know he's for me. I carefully explained how and why the ring wasn't quite for me, we talked it over and he's happily getting it fixed the way I like it.

It's the consideration, the thoughtfulness that's the most important thing. And I can tell because of what he's done, he spent a hell of a lot of his income on my ring, he spent months on end picking it and he's jumping up to change the band width. And I love him for that.

You should feel appreciated and special. And if you don't, then you shouldn't be wearing his ring.


Oh Please!
by: tracey

Oh please when a man can puts himself before his lady that's selfish and down right rude--it seems to be no expense when it comes to himself so why the cheap deal with the engagement ring--he just sounds very complacent and yes the ring he buys you signifies how he feels about you,it also tells other people what he thinks of you,and it does matter,if he cant genuinely afford a traditional engagement ring(then layby)its that simple!

If he's good to himself it's only fair that he treats you the same, yes it's also from the heart but it's not just a gift it's a lifetime commitment on your wedding finger that symbolizes love. If he can't show that love and commitment then he's just a jerk who expects you to accept anything and be happy with it. You may as well buy him a blow up doll and say sorry honey it's a cheaper version of me but its from my heart,see ya...

Don't settle for cheap, cause buying you a cheapie means he's cheap and reflects what he really think of you! DEALBREAKER!

Be Grateful for what you have
by: Pitiful Me

At least your man thought enough of you to propose. I have been in a relationship for five years and he will not marry me and will not propose. Every red cent he earns goes to his mother.

In the beginning I thought it was sweet how much he takes care of her and that it meant he would take care of me like that too one day.

He has told me until he has basically reconstructed her entire home, that he will not marry me. I love him, but I grow more and more resentful of him everyday. I'm afraid to leave him though as I am 32 now and have little or no hope of finding anyone else if I do.

You ladies hold your men tight and just be glad he cared enough to give you anything at all...

Really
by: Anonymous

Ok it seems there are a few different opinions on this topic...

I think the fact from the original post was that this man takes the time to buy himself nice things and when it comes to her, she was just a first store kind of purchase. I don't think the problems are with the ring, but rather in the relationship.

To all of the other women on here. Stop calling each other b******s!! If we call ourselves that then men think they can. Have some self respect. Women can't help how they feel about topics that's why they get on websites to vent about their problems not get harassed and be called names.

No actually, mine was the worst
by: The Biggest Loser

I think I win the prize for worst engagement AND worst ring.


My loved one proposed to me on the phone, no ring, while he was in PRISON.  Then immediately after I said yes, he totally acted like it never happened. To the point that I actually started wondering if I was crazy and imagined the whole thing.

When I finally gathered the guts to timidly ask him where he saw us headed after he got out, he actually said "I don't know" and "let's take it slow". The worst part is, I actually loved this guy and--despite the jail thing--was elated and thrilled with his proposal because it meant spending my life with the guy I wanted.

I look back and resent myself for NOT being more materialistic. Here I was being very UN-materialistic and focusing on simple love and personality, even looking past other societal stigmas about him--because I knew that he was actually a good person who'd gotten roped into a bad legal situation due to guilt by association from some a-holes. And in the end it just made it easier for him to walk all over me.

Meanwhile, I was celibate to him for over a year...even during a break-up he initiated the year before...just to find out that he didn't have the same loyalty during the break-up that I did. And he keeps donating money to help out two down-on-their-luck inmates, but can't get a ring sent to me.

I think my proposal, "ring" (or in my case, total lack of one), and aftermath is the WORST of anyone on this entire site. I'm never settling for less ever again.

I bought myself a ring to spite him for what he did, and to attract guys because guys love having an "unavailable" married girl (including my guy...the girl he met during our break-up was married).

I hate this self-bought ring because it represents a lie, a farce, my loneliness, and my inability to get treated well by guys.

I treat the money spent on this ring as a "tax" for not being good enough to get a guy who sees me worth a ring or even a decent proposal.

I'm Confused Too!
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend proposed and he'd bought a ring for the proposal which was so sweet. Turned out it was a wedding band and he told me that he would get me an engagement ring and I could pick it out. I thought how sweet.

In retrospect I don't know why he said this because when we went online to look at examples he said he actually thought I was materialistic for wanting an engagement ring and that the band was the only ring I was getting.

So ok...why did he get me excited in the first place? Now I feel ashamed and sad for having shown excitement at the suggestion of a ring. And the ring he gave me is not a reflection of my style and I don't really see me wearing that type of ring. Would it be ok for me to substitute my own rings in its place from day to day?

I also went through the tears at having waited my whole life to save that finger for the ring from the man of my dreams so I could shout it from the rooftops. My tears came when my mother asked where the engagement ring was. She told me to tell him I deserved an engagement ring and I shouldn't say yes till he has one. Then I told her we both sounded materialistic.

I'm so sad, shes mad. I too don't really want to wear the band because it is a reminder that he put no thought of me into it and having no ring would be a better feeling so I can focus on getting married and not the fact that a piece of metal upsets me.

I'm with you. It feels better to put it away and not let it overshadow and take away from the joy and then not have to explain to people and feel ashamed for wanting something different and also ashamed for explaining every time about the ring he got me.

Cheapo Engagement Ring
by: Anonymous

I would be very hurt by this situation, and puzzled by his choice in rings.

To me, when men are in love they show it by buying you the absolute best they can afford. Also, some men like to show off their wealth by putting an extravagant ring on their future wife's finger.

You may find that this issue comes up again and again in your marriage if you don't set him straight now. His cheapness toward you will show up in birthday and holiday presents. Tell him the ring is NOT APPROPRIATE for an engagement ring, and you'd like to choose another. What he did was flaky or selfish IMHO.

It's not about the ring
by: Anonymous

Women like you have no clue about marriage if the day that was "supposed" to be greatest day of your life was ruined because of something material rather than emotional.

You should be thrilled to be proposed to because of the guy who's doing it. He seems like a great guy cause he probably loves you more than any pieces of jewelry could ever reflect, but you don't "get" that yet, you're just mad at him.

No matter how beautiful the ring is, nothing will ever make up for an ugly, vain personality.

Not cost, but quality & care
by: To: You shallow little bitches comment

To: Shallow Little B*****s Commenter- Apparently, if you are a woman you've never been proposed to. And probably never will.

It is not at all about how much money the ring costs or how big the ring is. It is on your finger forever. And if later in life the man does replace it with an upgrade, it is suppose to be looked at as a wonderful memory.

I have a wonderful fiance that tried incredibly hard to get a ring. He spent $3,500 on it & without exaggeration it was the ugliest costume designed ring he or I (or any of my family or friends) have ever seen. They are in the process of redesigning it but still, for what it cost I could have had a bigger center stone, side diamonds & have bought the wedding rings.

The store that custom designed it was completely awful & his one flaw was not carefully reading the agreement when they took his money. Now I am stuck with the ring as they try to remake it, and each time I resent the store more. Honestly, I would have loved a ring for under 2grand- hell! 1k or less even . . .that just looked beautiful & fit my style. But for how much money he spent and how much stress has gone in to all of this, as they finish & redesign the ring, all I can think is that I want to sell it & start over. Start fresh. Because I (not him, or my family or anyone else) I have to look at it every day. And all I see is how this store ripped him off, has horrible quality, and the stress of the entire situation.

As for the original post. It is a special time, one that you are only suppose to have once. If he didn't make it special to begin with & then didn't listen to you when you made your request, I would be careful about the relationship for the future ahead.

Similar Situation
by: Anonymous

You're completely justified to be upset. He was being thoughtless. I had a friend who was in a similar situation. The night of her proposal, she cried. That will forever be her memory of WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, the happiest day of her life. What bothers me even more is that she had suggested rings she liked to him previously. But he bought what he found on sale. AND GET THIS. He even bragged to everyone about how he got the ring for 40% off.

At the end of the day, if it was discussed between you and your fiancee and he still shows up with a lousy ring, or something you just don't like, don't let him or anyone else fool you into thinking you're being materialistic. He's being inconsiderate and you DESERVE to have a ring you love. That's it.

You shallow non appreciative little b*****s
by: Anonymous

You need to remember you are marring a person with a heart, feelings, dreams, goals & his own plans, sorry you didn’t get the ring you wanted at least you got one! this man who has proclaimed to the whole world 'I love this woman so much that there isn’t another woman in my eyes that can compare to her so I’m going to give her my love for a life time' And all I see is ungratefulness! I hope he dumps your ass & takes the ring back, because there is a woman somewhere who wouldn’t care what kind of ring he got her it’s the meaning behind it

Re:
by: Anonymous

I am in a similar position, but if I ever try to approach the topic I can tell it will hurt him. I barely wear the ring now, because looking at it makes me resent him. I feel completely shallow saying I want a bigger diamond, especially when other people seem to think my ring is lovely. But I know that he could have afforded much more and I suppose it just makes me think that he doesn't take our engagement seriously or think I am important.


Insensitive SOB
by: Anonymous

Honestly, I would seriously question this marriage. Not because of the ring. Because of the guy's complete insensitivity to you.

He spent more on a TV than your ring?! He didn't have the courtesy to ask if you truly liked the ring? He's too shallow to sense of your feelings about the ring after being together for five years?! How clueless is he to you and your feelings?

I would seriously sit down and tell him what you told a bunch of strangers on this site. How disappointed you are, the whole nine yards. If you can't have that discussion with him--again make it not about the ring, but about the larger insensitivity--then I wonder if this marriage can weather the storms that inevitably come to everyone in life.

You're Right! It's Not About The Engagement Ring
by: The Engagement Experts

You and your fiance sound terrific. You never made him out to be a bad guy, just a lousy engagement ring picker! ;-)

Good for you for being excited and not letting an engagement ring put a damper on things! You're absolutely right about that, in the end, the ring really doesn't matter. The both of you are going to laugh about the whole episode one day.

Our only thoughts...Why take a passive approach and wait for him to notice you aren't wearing it? If he sees and knows how excited you are about being engaged to him, why not share your thoughts?

You aren't asking for a replacement and you'll have many anniversaries or other occasions when a new ring may be appropriate (or not).

You're just letting him know your feelings instead of him having guess and question you, or worse, learn about them from someone else.

Me again...
by: Original Hater

Thank you both so much for your advice. It has made me feel a bit better about things. I have come to the absolute conclusion that it really isn't about the ring, it's about the thoughtlessness.

I've decided to not wear the ring. It will be coming off tonight. I want to enjoy being engaged. It is another stage of life afterall. After reading my original post I think I made my husband to be sound awful. I love all of him. I refuse to let MY issues about a piece of jewelry tarnish what should be a very happy time of our life. I do not want to be reminded of my resentment every time I look at my ring.

He may eventually notice I'm not wearing it and then I am more than happy to talk about my disappointment. If he doesn't notice and doesn't start a discussion then so be it.

If he does ask why I'm not wearing it he'll get the full truth. I'll tell him I'm uncomfortable wearing a ring that had upset me from the second I saw it.

Money is not a sensitive issue for him so I'm fully prepared to mention how cheap it is, and has made me feel cheap.

I also can't stand one more face of pity and having to apologize for it on a daily basis. I should be shouting about our engagement from the rooftops, instead I hate talking about it and have found myself changing the subject very quickly because the inevitable "show me the ring" sentence will come.

I think not wearing it and hoping he notices means I can be honest without being brutal. On the very off chance he doesn't notice I can just enjoy being engaged without the ring putting a damper on things.

Again, thank you both for your advice. Any thoughts on my plan, even if it's to call me an evil manipulative witch, would be welcome :)

Sometimes You Need To Tell.
by: The Engagement Experts

You've obviously thought this through and we can tell that you're not just reacting to your disappointment.

You also seem to realize that an engagement ring is only a symbol and it's cost, size, and value have no bearing on your commitment or love for each other.

The emotions you are feeling seem to be more related to what you perceive as your fiance's lack of thoughtfulness in this particular case rather than in the engagement ring itself.

You question why he has been thoughtful in the past but in this one instance, when it was so important to you, he behaved differently.

Given what you wrote in your letter, it doesn't look like you will get past this unless you speak openly and candidly to him.

How will you survive together the next 50 years if each of you don't tell the other your needs, wants, and desires directly and honestly?

Being honest, especially when we have strong emotions over something is paramount to a happy and long relationship.

Have him read the letter you wrote us and talk about it with him. It will be a great springboard for your discussion together...and by the sounds of your letter, you need to have that conversation or it will always bother you in some way.

Our guess is that he will be surprised that you have such strong feelings over the ring, that he didn't realize how his actions would be perceived, and also that you didn't tell him sooner.

Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes. Good luck!!!!


I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I seriously think our guys were given the same brain cells. When my boyfriend of then 7 years proposed I was extremely happy and the feeling of about time had come over me. Like you, we'd talked about it and I had dropped hints of what I'd like even had those Kays booklets you get from the mall around the house.

When the time came I too said yes, of course I loved him but then saw the ring. Just like you I am very very low maintenance but wanted a ring that reflected my style and personality and yes his thoughtfulness. Let me tell you it was neither of those things. He had bought a three piece cluster ring set. So not only was the ring NOT my dream ring or anything near it, it had already come with both of our wedding bands. Can you believe that?? I hate cluster rings and don't ever wear them and when I talked to him about maybe switching for a single stone, just one is all I ask, he just shrugged it off. I was also upset that he took the fun out of me selecting his wedding band. I was looking forward to it and had something in mind.

Now opposite of you, I made more than he did so he saved up but I later found the receipt for the rings it was $350 for the entire set. I felt elated that it was too big so I never wore it but I had the same feelings as you. I wondered how could he pick something so ugly for me? He was just trying to get something cheap and not thinking about me at all!! I was very very resentful of his carelessness and thoughtlessness. I never wore the ring and would probably prefer yours over it. I swear I felt like Carrie in that episode of Sex in the City when Aiden propsed. The ring he bought wasn't MY ring and didn't match anything about me.

Honestly, I don't think your being shallow at all. Your engagement ring and wedding band will be that one piece of jewelry that you will wear for life. I don't think you will be able to get past it until you receive an engagement ring that is more your style.

Since you throw out hints for items that turn into Christmas and Birthday gifts, I say an engagement ring upgrade becomes your Christmas or B-day gift this year. Hint, do what you've always done, but this time for your ring.

I really hope you get the ring that you want and deserve!!

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