I Really Hate My Engagement Ring

Yes, I'm shallow and hating myself.

It's nothing like I imagined. He proposed to me at Christmas. I had said yes, without hesitation, before I saw the ring so at the time the ring was not an issue. I'm probably only mentioning this to make myself seem less shallow!

The ring was a cheap silver ring. No stone, just a piece of silver with a yellow stone. I hated it but thankfully it was too big and I couldn't wear it. He also said, and I quote "it was a placeholder". I breathed a sigh of relief.

I have never been materialistic. I know, I know, ironic! I don't buy nice clothes for myself, I hardly spend any money on myself. I really haven't put much stock in "things", but I had thought when I got engaged I'd finally have something special that someone bought for me, just thinking of me and nobody else. That has never happened.

He has bought me some nice things before but normally things I've asked for the house, our home. He's not an insensitive guy, he just listens to me rambling on about things I'd like to have for the house and then come Christmas or birthdays they appear. I've never been truly surprised I guess.

So when he said placeholder ring my heart lifted. It turns out he meant a placeholder until the wedding ring. It took him 3 days to tell me this.

I had been asking what sort of budget he had in mind for "the ring" (meaning engagement ring) and he said whatever I liked I could have. WHOA! Seriously?

It wasn't until the 3rd day when I showed him an engagement ring online and he said its not a real wedding ring I realized we were on completely different wavelengths. I asked what did he mean by placeholder ring then and that's when he said, placeholder until the wedding ring went on.

I was gutted. I am so ashamed to say it but I went to the bathroom and cried for half an hour. This ring was the ring I had to show friends and family when we met. I had no idea how I was going to hide my shame. When I say shame it turns out I was more ashamed of myself for hating the ring than the ring itself.

The most hurtful part was yet to come. When friends finally saw the ring some laughed and said "seriously, show us the real ring". Cue the tears again. It turns out a friend knew where the ring came from and it cost $150. I checked online myself (an extremely budget store) and it was indeed $150. There is no zero missing there. $150.

I've never believed the rubbish spouted by jewelry stores that an engagement ring should cost 3 months salary but he earns more than $80 for 30 minutes work! If we went by the 3 month "rule" very little in Tiffanys and Cartier would be off limits. The ring I really liked cost $1,600. He spent twice that in a whim on a TV last year.

It's not all about money. I can't stress that enough. I feel like he hasn't cared enough about me to ask himself what I would like. He hasn't cared enough to put any thought into my ring. He hasn't listened when he pretended to care about the types of rings I was looking at in store windows.

We've been together 5 years, we have no children and we've discussed getting married so looking at engagement rings was not forcing the issue.

I don't have a job that pays nearly a quarter of what his does. I have to save for a lot of things. I save from July for his Christmas presents. I put a lot of thought into any gift he gets, whether it's for Christmas, birthday or just because.

Most things he wants he just goes and buys so not only do I have to save hard but it's getting harder and harder to find thoughtful gifts for him but I do it and I do it happily because I love him.

I have found myself resenting him more and more because of his thoughtlessness, rather than this being one of the happiest times of my life. I've never asked for jewelry, I've never had expensive taste even though he can afford it, but I have mentioned in the past how important a nice engagement and wedding ring would be, mainly because I intended for it to last a lifetime and for it to reflect something and for me to be proud of.

He bought this ring in the first store he went to and spent less on it that I did on groceries that week. It's less than 2 months old and already it's horribly dull and scratched.

I did mention the ring was not what I expected and he laughed it off saying he was always full of surprises. He said he knows I'm not into jewelry so bought something he knew I'd like. WTF?!? I mentioned the ring again and asked flat out would he be hurt if I upgraded at some point. He said he would be. Where can I go from that?

I'm starting to think, all because of a piece of jewelry, that this is not the man who knows me or cares for me like he should if we are to get married. The irony is if he was to get me something nicer at this stage it would only be because family and friends have forced him to and not because he thought about what I would want.

I don't know how to get over the ring. I don't want to wear it. I have even thought of "losing" it. I feel nothing but resentment when I look at it and as our engagement is relatively recent news people are still congratulating me and want to see the ring. I can't hide my shame and hurt any more than they can hide their pity.

Can you offer any advice on how I can get past this? Lord knows I have tried to remind myself it's not about the ring, it's about the marriage but what does it say for our potential marriage when I know my future husband holds me in such low regard he put little to no thought in to the ring I specifically said was quite important to me.

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I Really Hate My Engagement Ring

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I'm Confused Too!
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend proposed and he'd bought a ring for the proposal which was so sweet. Turned out it was a wedding band and he told me that he would get me an engagement ring and I could pick it out. I thought how sweet.

In retrospect I don't know why he said this because when we went online to look at examples he said he actually thought I was materialistic for wanting an engagement ring and that the band was the only ring I was getting.

So ok...why did he get me excited in the first place? Now I feel ashamed and sad for having shown excitement at the suggestion of a ring. And the ring he gave me is not a reflection of my style and I don't really see me wearing that type of ring. Would it be ok for me to substitute my own rings in its place from day to day?

I also went through the tears at having waited my whole life to save that finger for the ring from the man of my dreams so I could shout it from the rooftops. My tears came when my mother asked where the engagement ring was. She told me to tell him I deserved an engagement ring and I shouldn't say yes till he has one. Then I told her we both sounded materialistic.

I'm so sad, shes mad. I too don't really want to wear the band because it is a reminder that he put no thought of me into it and having no ring would be a better feeling so I can focus on getting married and not the fact that a piece of metal upsets me.

I'm with you. It feels better to put it away and not let it overshadow and take away from the joy and then not have to explain to people and feel ashamed for wanting something different and also ashamed for explaining every time about the ring he got me.

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Cheapo Engagement Ring
by: Anonymous

I would be very hurt by this situation, and puzzled by his choice in rings.

To me, when men are in love they show it by buying you the absolute best they can afford. Also, some men like to show off their wealth by putting an extravagant ring on their future wife's finger.

You may find that this issue comes up again and again in your marriage if you don't set him straight now. His cheapness toward you will show up in birthday and holiday presents. Tell him the ring is NOT APPROPRIATE for an engagement ring, and you'd like to choose another. What he did was flaky or selfish IMHO.

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It's not about the ring
by: Anonymous

Women like you have no clue about marriage if the day that was "supposed" to be greatest day of your life was ruined because of something material rather than emotional.

You should be thrilled to be proposed to because of the guy who's doing it. He seems like a great guy cause he probably loves you more than any pieces of jewelry could ever reflect, but you don't "get" that yet, you're just mad at him.

No matter how beautiful the ring is, nothing will ever make up for an ugly, vain personality.

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Not cost, but quality & care
by: To: You shallow little bitches comment

To: Shallow Little B*****s Commenter- Apparently, if you are a woman you've never been proposed to. And probably never will.

It is not at all about how much money the ring costs or how big the ring is. It is on your finger forever. And if later in life the man does replace it with an upgrade, it is suppose to be looked at as a wonderful memory.

I have a wonderful fiance that tried incredibly hard to get a ring. He spent $3,500 on it & without exaggeration it was the ugliest costume designed ring he or I (or any of my family or friends) have ever seen. They are in the process of redesigning it but still, for what it cost I could have had a bigger center stone, side diamonds & have bought the wedding rings.

The store that custom designed it was completely awful & his one flaw was not carefully reading the agreement when they took his money. Now I am stuck with the ring as they try to remake it, and each time I resent the store more. Honestly, I would have loved a ring for under 2grand- hell! 1k or less even . . .that just looked beautiful & fit my style. But for how much money he spent and how much stress has gone in to all of this, as they finish & redesign the ring, all I can think is that I want to sell it & start over. Start fresh. Because I (not him, or my family or anyone else) I have to look at it every day. And all I see is how this store ripped him off, has horrible quality, and the stress of the entire situation.

As for the original post. It is a special time, one that you are only suppose to have once. If he didn't make it special to begin with & then didn't listen to you when you made your request, I would be careful about the relationship for the future ahead.

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Similar Situation
by: Anonymous

You're completely justified to be upset. He was being thoughtless. I had a friend who was in a similar situation. The night of her proposal, she cried. That will forever be her memory of WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, the happiest day of her life. What bothers me even more is that she had suggested rings she liked to him previously. But he bought what he found on sale. AND GET THIS. He even bragged to everyone about how he got the ring for 40% off.

At the end of the day, if it was discussed between you and your fiancee and he still shows up with a lousy ring, or something you just don't like, don't let him or anyone else fool you into thinking you're being materialistic. He's being inconsiderate and you DESERVE to have a ring you love. That's it.

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You shallow non appreciative little b*****s
by: Anonymous

You need to remember you are marring a person with a heart, feelings, dreams, goals & his own plans, sorry you didn’t get the ring you wanted at least you got one! this man who has proclaimed to the whole world 'I love this woman so much that there isn’t another woman in my eyes that can compare to her so I’m going to give her my love for a life time' And all I see is ungratefulness! I hope he dumps your ass & takes the ring back, because there is a woman somewhere who wouldn’t care what kind of ring he got her it’s the meaning behind it

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Re:
by: Anonymous

I am in a similar position, but if I ever try to approach the topic I can tell it will hurt him. I barely wear the ring now, because looking at it makes me resent him. I feel completely shallow saying I want a bigger diamond, especially when other people seem to think my ring is lovely. But I know that he could have afforded much more and I suppose it just makes me think that he doesn't take our engagement seriously or think I am important.

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Insensitive SOB
by: Anonymous

Honestly, I would seriously question this marriage. Not because of the ring. Because of the guy's complete insensitivity to you.

He spent more on a TV than your ring?! He didn't have the courtesy to ask if you truly liked the ring? He's too shallow to sense of your feelings about the ring after being together for five years?! How clueless is he to you and your feelings?

I would seriously sit down and tell him what you told a bunch of strangers on this site. How disappointed you are, the whole nine yards. If you can't have that discussion with him--again make it not about the ring, but about the larger insensitivity--then I wonder if this marriage can weather the storms that inevitably come to everyone in life.

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You're Right! It's Not About The Engagement Ring
by: The Engagement Experts

You and your fiance sound terrific. You never made him out to be a bad guy, just a lousy engagement ring picker! ;-)

Good for you for being excited and not letting an engagement ring put a damper on things! You're absolutely right about that, in the end, the ring really doesn't matter. The both of you are going to laugh about the whole episode one day.

Our only thoughts...Why take a passive approach and wait for him to notice you aren't wearing it? If he sees and knows how excited you are about being engaged to him, why not share your thoughts?

You aren't asking for a replacement and you'll have many anniversaries or other occasions when a new ring may be appropriate (or not).

You're just letting him know your feelings instead of him having guess and question you, or worse, learn about them from someone else.

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Me again...
by: Original Hater

Thank you both so much for your advice. It has made me feel a bit better about things. I have come to the absolute conclusion that it really isn't about the ring, it's about the thoughtlessness.

I've decided to not wear the ring. It will be coming off tonight. I want to enjoy being engaged. It is another stage of life afterall. After reading my original post I think I made my husband to be sound awful. I love all of him. I refuse to let MY issues about a piece of jewelry tarnish what should be a very happy time of our life. I do not want to be reminded of my resentment every time I look at my ring.

He may eventually notice I'm not wearing it and then I am more than happy to talk about my disappointment. If he doesn't notice and doesn't start a discussion then so be it.

If he does ask why I'm not wearing it he'll get the full truth. I'll tell him I'm uncomfortable wearing a ring that had upset me from the second I saw it.

Money is not a sensitive issue for him so I'm fully prepared to mention how cheap it is, and has made me feel cheap.

I also can't stand one more face of pity and having to apologize for it on a daily basis. I should be shouting about our engagement from the rooftops, instead I hate talking about it and have found myself changing the subject very quickly because the inevitable "show me the ring" sentence will come.

I think not wearing it and hoping he notices means I can be honest without being brutal. On the very off chance he doesn't notice I can just enjoy being engaged without the ring putting a damper on things.

Again, thank you both for your advice. Any thoughts on my plan, even if it's to call me an evil manipulative witch, would be welcome :)

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Sometimes You Need To Tell.
by: The Engagement Experts

You've obviously thought this through and we can tell that you're not just reacting to your disappointment.

You also seem to realize that an engagement ring is only a symbol and it's cost, size, and value have no bearing on your commitment or love for each other.

The emotions you are feeling seem to be more related to what you perceive as your fiance's lack of thoughtfulness in this particular case rather than in the engagement ring itself.

You question why he has been thoughtful in the past but in this one instance, when it was so important to you, he behaved differently.

Given what you wrote in your letter, it doesn't look like you will get past this unless you speak openly and candidly to him.

How will you survive together the next 50 years if each of you don't tell the other your needs, wants, and desires directly and honestly?

Being honest, especially when we have strong emotions over something is paramount to a happy and long relationship.

Have him read the letter you wrote us and talk about it with him. It will be a great springboard for your discussion together...and by the sounds of your letter, you need to have that conversation or it will always bother you in some way.

Our guess is that he will be surprised that you have such strong feelings over the ring, that he didn't realize how his actions would be perceived, and also that you didn't tell him sooner.

Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes. Good luck!!!!

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I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I seriously think our guys were given the same brain cells. When my boyfriend of then 7 years proposed I was extremely happy and the feeling of about time had come over me. Like you, we'd talked about it and I had dropped hints of what I'd like even had those Kays booklets you get from the mall around the house.

When the time came I too said yes, of course I loved him but then saw the ring. Just like you I am very very low maintenance but wanted a ring that reflected my style and personality and yes his thoughtfulness. Let me tell you it was neither of those things. He had bought a three piece cluster ring set. So not only was the ring NOT my dream ring or anything near it, it had already come with both of our wedding bands. Can you believe that?? I hate cluster rings and don't ever wear them and when I talked to him about maybe switching for a single stone, just one is all I ask, he just shrugged it off. I was also upset that he took the fun out of me selecting his wedding band. I was looking forward to it and had something in mind.

Now opposite of you, I made more than he did so he saved up but I later found the receipt for the rings it was $350 for the entire set. I felt elated that it was too big so I never wore it but I had the same feelings as you. I wondered how could he pick something so ugly for me? He was just trying to get something cheap and not thinking about me at all!! I was very very resentful of his carelessness and thoughtlessness. I never wore the ring and would probably prefer yours over it. I swear I felt like Carrie in that episode of Sex in the City when Aiden propsed. The ring he bought wasn't MY ring and didn't match anything about me.

Honestly, I don't think your being shallow at all. Your engagement ring and wedding band will be that one piece of jewelry that you will wear for life. I don't think you will be able to get past it until you receive an engagement ring that is more your style.

Since you throw out hints for items that turn into Christmas and Birthday gifts, I say an engagement ring upgrade becomes your Christmas or B-day gift this year. Hint, do what you've always done, but this time for your ring.

I really hope you get the ring that you want and deserve!!

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