1.5 ct Diamond for a 0.35 ct. Confused!
Two years ago my boyfriend bought a $10,000 diamond ring for me. He told me he had the ring bought and that he couldn't wait to give it to me. I waited... And waited.
I saw the receipt so I know he did actually have it. 10 months later I brought it up and asked if he even still had the ring (jokingly) he then told me he had returned it because he couldn't afford it at the time. I would have never known this if I hadn't asked.
I then started wondering about his honesty. He told me not to worry. His family was selling their business in a few months and he wanted to get me a bigger/better ring anyway and he had one picked out already.
He told my sisters boyfriend about this 'ring' and acted all excited about it. This business is to be sold any day now, within the next two months. Today he proposed - with a $1,000 diamond ring. Last month he bought a brand new SUV.
For two years I have been expecting this grand ring/proposal that he had 'planned'. He told me that the ring is all he could afford right now and he didn't want to wait any longer (which is sweet! But makes me wonder).
Last month he brought up the subject and said I'd know how much he loves me when I get my 'big ring'. Okay... Put diamond size and prices aside and focus on the deception here.
Is anyone else seeing it or is my vision just blurred and I'm focusing on material things that shouldn't matter? This 'question' is erratic and wishy washy but that's how I feel right about now.
He said he had a proposal planned. Guess how it happened? I was lying on the bed, checking my email and he came in behind me and just blurted out 'will you marry me?' And I had to put the ring on myself. Lol.
Maybe I'm expecting too much or I was too caught up in some fantasy world. I just feel dumb for bragging about how I was going to receive this grand gesture of a ring and now when people ask to see it I will look like I made the whole thing up!
I guess I've just waited 2 years for this gorgeous ring and the anticipation has been building for so long and I'm maybe a little in shock because he has fooled me and I don't know if he bought this one because he was scared I'd change my mind and didn't wanna lose out or its his ploy to be cheap! Helppppp!
Advice from the Engagement Experts Team
You make several points here that are worth investigating and we think, you have a right to be confused.
First, social pressure is a powerful thing. Your boyfriend is likely feeling it and so are you.
For guys, the idea of buying an expensive engagement ring tells the world that he is successful and is able to support and even spoil his future family. It's something that he can boast about to his friends and family.
For girls, it's proof of his love and commitment and from her perspective tells the world that she is worthy of being loved and taken care of. Again, by showing the ring off to her friends and family.
Both of these perspectives are in a sense a fantasy and have no real bearing on the success of a marriage. We are simply conditioned to feel that way. Your boyfriend may have been caught up in that fantasy but the reality of what he could afford put an end to it.
And for you, the 'bragging' rights the anticipation of a big expensive diamond ring would bring, was just too tempting--again human nature and nobody could fault you for it.
The reality is that an engagement ring, regardless of cost, is purely a symbol of commitment and marriage. Nothing more.
So let's forget about the social pressure aspect of what he may
have been thinking and how you feel about having to face family and friends with a lesser ring than what was promised to you.
The real issues here, as we see it, are a lack of communication and actions speaking louder than words.
Had he come to you and told you that he couldn't afford the $10,000 ring so he needed to return it and realistically his budget was now $1,000, you likely would have been fine with that. But he didn't.
He may have been scared of disappointing you by telling you the truth before you asked but what he didn't realize is that it is more disappointing the other way around.
Your life together will be full of tough situations where you will need to communicate with each other openly and honestly. Since he doesn't seem to be able to do that at this point, you need to make the first move and talk about this situation and the lack of communication and how that will affect your lives together.
You mentioned deception. We don't think he was trying to deceive you or be dishonest because he wasn't trying to get away with anything. He didn't, for example, give you a 1.5 ct Cubic Zirconia ring and say it was a diamond, nor did he not propose.
There was no deception or dishonesty, what does seem to exist however is him saying one thing and delivering another. And by doing so, he is setting you up for disappointment and straining your relationship.
He needs to understand that actions DO speak louder than words and you need to understand why he is saying one thing and doing another for your relationship to be successful.
You need to think about how you really feel about the engagement ring and proposal SEPARATELY from the disappointment of unkept promises. You need to separate the two in your mind because each brings with it their own issues and then you need to talk to him about everything.
You're right, in the end it's not about the ring or proposal.